Thank you Panelman

Panelman’s recent post advising us to check our licences after being returned from DVLA has just saved me an immense about of aggro (although I am still p*ssed off, kicking the cat and absolutely furious).

The problem is DVLA’s inability to do anything right. The story begins when I used to have a scooter – yes embarrassing I know, but still the most practical way to go 3 miles to the station, and 3 miles home (believe me, doing it now on a Bandit cannot possibly be described as practical).

So some years ago I took my test on a scooter simply so I wouldn’t have to do a CBT every two years. After a further two years I was the proud owner of the most useless licence known to mankind – an unrestricted entitlement to ride any automatic motorcycle.

Two years ago I thought I’d get a big boys bike, so in preparation I got a CG125 and did my test. I kept the pass certificates for 18 months, so when I got my licence upgraded I could lose an old endorsement. [Why do they make you speed on a mod 1 and fail you if you don’t, then give you points when you do it on the road???? Honest officer I was only practising for my test.]

So I send off my licence and pass certificates. A month later nothing returned. Contact DVLA and am told they didn’t receive them. Send copies to DVLA again (always make sure you keep copies). Over a month later nothing returned. Complain to DVLA (and send more copies) and I am told “It takes up to 21 days to issue a licence, yours was processed on 17th August”. This message was sent on the same 17th August – 34 days after the licence was resent!!??? I then get a snotty letter saying my licence has been sent (although it took five days to arrive), and my test pass had “already been claimed”.

Anyway, I had a licence so I put it away. Until Panelman told me to check it. Guess what? Other than losing the endorsement, it is exactly the same as the licence I have had since 2004, still with the automatic only restriction.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!! Skortchio – can you design me an automatic shifter for the Bandit?

(blimey – that was nearly as long as a discussion on advanced riding techniques)
(oh, and the cat is limping - and it's DVLA's fault)

 

Oh well, best go get yourself another scooter Jim!

 

Oh dear. I must have Spidey powers without knowing it. Poor Jim - do you complain to the Police? Or your local MP? It's instances like this when we have been wronged by a member of the World Association of Grade Threes that can drive a man to distraction. Perhaps if I retell the tale of my next door neighbour it might distract you for a millisecond...

He applied for Planning permission to build a house in his garden. It was granted... sort of. There were conditions; oh yes. Many, many conditions. I envisage the Planning officer chalking one up in the Planning lair to muted applause from his fellow Planning officers. They probably thought the neighbour'd never get through all those!

But he did. He's a real tryer. He got through them all, every one except the last. The Doosey. There was a brick kiln on the land about 170 years ago and Planning said he had to have extensive soil tests in case there was any contamination of the land. He hired a soil expert who, for £1,500 (+VAT) walked around the plot for five minutes with a meter, smoking a fag, pausing every so often to cough and dig at the ground. He left without a word, but wrote a lengthy report about the weather and the time of his visit, oh, and there was no contamination. At all. None.

My neighbour copied this report carefully and submitted the original with two copies to Planning, in accordance with the exact rules laid down in 5pt type on the Conditions List. He waited five days and wrote, asking if he could now have his permission to proceed.

A month passed.

He thought about taking up smoking; perhaps golf. Anything to occupy the time until he received his permission.

Eventually a brown envelope dropped through his door with the tell-tale franking of the Planning Department across the front imploring the reader to 'Save Energy - recycle!' Puh - lees. He paused to savour the moment: this was what his previous three year's work had been for - at last... he could start his building.

Inside the envelope was a letter from Planning thanking him for the contamination report indicating that none had been found, but demanding that he should submit, in triplicate, a Risk Assessment and Method Statement covering what he would do if there were contamination.
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I happened to be loading something into my car the next morning when he came out of the front of the existing house and we exchanged neighbourly pleasantries. He said very calmly that he now understood why you sometimes read about normal people just 'cracking', and going berserk with a gun, shooting everyone in an office. Did I know how he could apply for a gun license?

It was the icy calm with which this question was delivered which made me suddenly very uncomfortable.

He explained the story I have related above and likened it to Planning demanding that he write what he would do if he became pregnant - highly, highly unlikely, but theoretically possible.

I tried to lighten the mood; get him to laugh it off... Ha, ha, ha... that's a good one. Whatever next?

But secretly I have this vision in my head which won't go away: it's of a junior Planner returning to that lair and suddenly breaking into a huge grin and punching the air in wild triumphalism, celebrating with his fellow Planners, shouting, "I can't believe he actually fell for it"! They all fall about with side-splitting laughter, wondering at the inventiveness of their colleague - how could he come up with a manoeuvre so... pedestrian? Truly he is a Traffic Warden among Planners.

Yes, they all deserve a terrible fate but can we ever, ever really get at them?
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Does this make you feel better, Jim?

 

Auto shifter, no worries!

I've got one attached to my 1275 at the mo, swap you for a Busa engine!

 

Dont get me started with "planning department"still battling after 2 years

 

The warning to check ANY new or replacement licence v carefully is one that I give all trainees, whether on basic training as they pass their test or on advanced training as I check they actually DO have a bike licence. The DVLA do process millions of licences so there are bound to be errors but it's the fact it becomes such a drawn out procedure to get things corrected.

Get in touch with them again RIGHT AWAY - you might be able to get the issued licence corrected... but worst case scenario is that you'll have to do the manual test again.

And as regards "speeding" on Mod One, you're allowed to ride faster than 30 on the road - up to 70!

 

I'm not sure that's right, as it was precisely that scenario (or at least very close) that earned me the points in the first place.

 

When you pass though, you get a copy of your pass from the tester. Surely you can just send that off as evidence along with the date, time and test centre to the DVLA. Watchdog!

 

The motorway/dual carriageway speed limit is 70!

But as I said the important bit is that you get onto them right away. You MAY be able to get the licence reissued with the correct groups. But if you leave it, the paperwork is destroyed (otherwise there would be warehouses of old pass certificates sitting around) and the only record will be the one on your licence. Until it's correctly reissued, the bad news is that you're not licenced to ride a manual transmission bike so don't ignore it.

 

Fortuntunately I have sent scanned copies of the pass certificate that Tanya refers to, to them four times in three months using their secure contact system, which logs and acknowledges each contact and assigns a unique contact number. There is therefore an electronic trail. I also still have three weeks before the two years is up (thanks again to Richard).

As for all this speed limit stuff, I have obviously misunderstood. On my mod 1 I had to ride two ways, either really slowly at walking pace, or flat out to ensure I was over 50kph. As a result I have only ever riden in these two ways ever since.