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Haynes Manual is the bloke version of ‘mummy porn’

50 Shades hits sales of famous car repair guide

A comely wrench ... car manuals are Emma's sexy reads​

Splash News​

By EMMA PARKER BOWLES
Published: 03rd October 2012

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THERE may not be as many men fiddling about under bonnets as there used to be but that’s not why Haynes Manuals have seen a ten per cent droop in earnings.

The publishers have put the poor performance of their iconic car maintenance guides down to sales of the Fifty Shades erotic fiction trilogy.
They say book-buying budgets have been diverted away from the love-at-first-spark petrolheads and grasped to the heaving bosoms of “mummy porn” fans.
Here, to confound their belief, a top female motoring writer argues that there is nothing sexier than a Haynes Manual.

Classic read ... Haynes Manual​

Haynes​

I NEVER thought I would be writing Haynes Manual (for amateur and professional car mechanics) and Fifty Shades Of Grey (for amateur sadomasochists) in the same sentence.
It is like fish and milkshake, track-suits and stilettos. They don’t go together. So why?
Is there some progressive new book club bringing together porno-mums and oily-fingered car mechanics?
Well, not that I know of.
But why should ladies have all the fun? What about “daddy porn”? Oh yes, Haynes Manuals are just as exciting for men. And women like me.
There is nothing sexier than a Haynes Manual. Well, not just any of their manuals, but the ones dedicated to the cars I lust after.
It feels like a proper book. It is more than that, it’s a Bible. If I said Fifty Shades was my Bible, I might be denounced as Satan.
It needs to be sturdy and be able to stand the test of time because it is going to be well-thumbed (with oily, rather than nasty sweaty fingers).
It feels expensive and it is steeped in tradition — the Haynes manuals are named after John Haynes, OBE, who wrote the first in 1956 when he was still at school (on building a “special” based on the Austin 7).
He was also in the Royal Air Force. John Haynes was a cool dude.
But let’s get sexy, shall we.
For people like me, a Haynes Manual is filled with just as much passion as Fifty Shades because they are written by people who genuinely love what they are writing about.
They are both enthusiasts and experts in their field. I don’t think a professional dominatrix would stop in the middle of whipping a client wearing a gimp mask and tied to a rack, to refer to her handbook.
“Oh, hang in there. I just need to check something in Fifty Shades.”
A Haynes Manual is educational. The reading is just the foreplay.

Rival ... Fifty Shades of Grey​

HANDOUT​

It is not repetitive, but it gets harder towards the end, preparing you for the crescendo: Getting your hands messy with a wrench. This can make you hot and sweaty.
It can even be painful.
Sometimes there is fumbling and things go wrong, but that frustration just makes it even sweeter when you have finished.
Tired yet satisfied and feeling like a champion.
AND it has pictures. OK, some are of middle-aged men bending over but there are illustrations and diagrams and photos of exciting parts.
It also talks about lots and lots of shiny tools that do more things than a whip and a paddle ever could.
It’s never too early in the day to read a Hayes Manual. I am not embarrassed to whip it out on a train or a plane.
And there is always a chance you might communicate with other admirers of a Ducati Monster when they see you reading it.
I don’t think someone would sit down opposite you and say: “Hey, are you into S&M. Me too. I like having my butt paddled. Me and my wife... ”
No, no, no. A Haynes Manual is dignified on the outside but bursting with naughtiness on the inside.
I do have a solution to Haynes’s dip in sales revenue.
Haynes, you need to publish a manual on S&M and really show those mothers how it’s done.


Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/4568608/Haynes-Manual-is-bloke-version-of-mummy-porn-50-Shades-of-Grey.html#ixzz28rROCZ1U

 

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